Divorce with Dignity

Divorce financial settlement.

I had a request from a well known television program yesterday asking me if I knew of anyone who represented themself in a divorce and used only a coach for support, who would be willing to be interviewed by them.

I have worked with only one client like that and he only could do this, although his wife did not want a divorce, he was willing to walk away from the 27 year marriage with absolutely nothing and start again from scratch. 

I also knew that he would be unwilling to talk to anyone about this, as he now feels that the only reason he took this course of action, was because he did not want any conflict and failed to work this through sufficiently in coaching and also being prompted by the judge, he does not feel entirely happy about his decision and realises he was somewhat lacking in courage.

I have yet to meet anyone who is completely happy with any financial divorce settlement.  Either they want a bigger share of the pot, without really taking into account the needs of their ex and their needs, or they wanted not to give so much of the single pot, as they feel that that this will be an albatross around their neck, which could cripple them financially and leave the other person relatively secure.

I have been involved closely in two divorces which both ended on the same day and it never ceases to astonish me how the final settlement is reached, and how often if feels not really thought through. 

When couples fight over finances the courts and legal teams really can become very twitchy, as dividing up finances is always a tricky situation, it depends on the amount of finances available, possible future finances and a myriad of other more subtle parts of an equation, that I cannot even begin to explain.

What I do know is, that it is the financial deals that people strike while going through a breakup,  that can mean the difference between arch enemies going forward and being at least civil to each other.

It is always useful to remember that if there are any children involved, divorcing parents will not be divorcing their children and will both want to be present for future events like, weddings, births, birthdays, and deaths. so the more amicable everyone can make the change process the better for everyone, but especially the children who are the innocent victims and need to remain close to both parents.

Collaborative Law and coaching

I have recently met with two very impressive divorce lawyers who work under the code of conduct of "Resolution" and work towards helping people through the divorcing process as easily as possible, I will post more details of who they are and how I will be contributing to what they offer later.

In the meantime here is an article you might find interesting on "Collaborative Law and Life coaching"

                                                                                                                                                            Collaborative Law and Life Coaching – what do they have in common?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
                                                               

A beginner's guide to collaborative law and life coaching

"Chalk and cheese or peas in a pod?"

Life coaching and collaborative law have a number of things in common - not least they are both fairly new kids on the block, they both aim to enrich clients at the crossroads in their lives and are also cut from the same cloth in that they focus on adding value through client led agendas and client focused work.

This article will seek to explore the symbiotic nature of the two professions and the possibilities for mutual enrichment and optimisation of client benefits when the two disciplines merge.

So what is life coaching within a divorce context?

As with the collaborative process, life coaching began in America in the 1980s as professionals sought to “mind the gap” between psychotherapy and counselling and supporting people in leading fulfilled lives. There are millions of people leading successful lives for whom psychotherapy/counselling are not appropriate.  That still holds true within the trauma that is divorce or separation.  Even when such divorce or separation is mutually agreed upon, very strong deflecting emotions can surface unexpectedly, impacting on the client’s level of functioning, their self esteem and sense of self worth.

There are many misconceptions about life coaching, both within public perception and of course within professional fields.  It is not about somebody who “knows better than you” telling you how to live your life and what is best for you and neither is it counselling or therapy.  The first rule of coaching is that clients don’t need fixing.  However, when decisions on the various issues thrown up by divorce have to be made against a backdrop of a tumult of high emotion, some clients can feel overwhelmed and need assistance and support in moving forward to the next chapter of their lives.

When contemplating the introduction of a coach as an option for our clients to consider during the collaborative process, as lawyers we may have to quell some of our own preconceptions about the coaching profession and address the uninformed view, that to have someone work with a coach there must be something wrong, either with the situation or the person or in fact both.  A useful metaphor to overcome this mindset might be that of an Olympic athlete - when Linford Christie was winning gold medals he didn’t fire his coach - he was the fastest man in the world and he wanted to be faster so he carried on working with a professional with a third person perspective whose only agenda was to let him motor to his full potential - a coach.

So the coach is someone who is there just for the client - enabling facilitation allowing them to ponder in a clear and free way.  The coach can be completely objective and enable the client to work through emotional struggles which in turn will help the client work through the facts and figures and the way ahead with the lawyer in a clear and high level functioning state.  The coach will help the client focus their energy and build their resources to such a level that they can engage in the collaborative process with clarity and focus, working to achieve a positive outcome and face the future in a managed way.

So how does life coaching work?

Coaching occurs either face to face or over the telephone.  It can take place in collaborative four ways or away from the table.  Both methods can be equally successful and are determined mostly by personal preference and/ or the physical location of coach and client venue.

The coach works with the client so that both gain a clear understanding of the current situation and also the desired outcome.  It is a case of “where are we”, “where do we want to be” and critically “how do we get there”.  Again, not so different from collaborative process.  The coach will use their skills to create an environment where the client can explore all the options available to them and choose paths of action which will lead to a successful outcome and more fulfilling life.

During the coaching partnership the client will gain a better understanding of their own motivation, their patterns of behaviour and also learn to influence their own internal monologue.  This is critical within the collaborative model to ensure that there is around the table the highest functioning version of the client as oppose to a client swamped by his “shadow client” or “her inner saboteur”.

Coaching is not for the faint of heart.  A good coach will take the client well beyond their comfort zone and challenge them to be truly accountable and empowered in their own post separation life.  Again, not so different from collaborative. A life coach is not a sympathetic ear or a best friend you pay.  Coaches will tell clients when they are kidding themselves.  When was the last time someone told you the undiluted truth in service of your own agenda?

Coach and client will talk typically two or three times a month and such dialogues can be interspersed with the four-way meetings with clients taking actions to be completed by the next session.  As indicated sometimes the coach accompanies the client to the four way though this may be uncommon in this country.

Some typical questions (of the thousands) which a coach will use to establish values and move clients into positive action are:

• What’s important to you?
• What’s missing in your life which would make it more fulfilling?
• What do you value in your relationships with others?
• Where do you want to make a difference with your life?
• What are you committed to?
• What needs to change?

A coach will work with a client so that they can create their future from possibility rather than circumstance.

So what are the benefits of life coaches and collaborative lawyers working in partnership.

Well what we have in common is certainly stronger than potentially what may divide us.  Family lawyers are frequently working with clients who are at crossroads and unsure how to proceed - locked into doubt and uncertainty or impasse, frustrated and vulnerable - working towards decisions as to their future may be impeded by the high level of emotions in play.  A life coach can unlock that impasse for the client and assist them in moving forward into a changed role working through the paradigm shift.  The life coach can add value to the collaborative process.

You are beginning to convince me there may be a role to play here for some clients so what should I look for in a coach?

Whilst a relatively new profession, not currently enjoying the rigorous regulations of many other professions, choosing a coach should be led by the client and if felt appropriate then a referral could be made. What you should look out for is someone who has been professionally trained and ideally holds an International Coaching Federation recognised qualification.

Life coaching is a valuable support tool for clients and collaborative lawyers.  The skills and professionalism of the coach will enable the clients to make empowered decisions about their future, discarding any emotional baggage which is impeding the progress of the collaborative process.  One step forward might be to encourage divorce coaches to join your collaborative pod or practice group and learn a little more about how the two disciplines can work together to the benefit of our shared client base.

“Healing is not only a matter of time but also a matter of opportunity”
Hippocrates

About the authors:

Liz Tait is a family lawyer with Irwin Mitchell and a mediator and collaborative lawyer

Simon Ireland-Davies CPCC is a professionally trained and certified Coach, a member of the International Coaching Federation and a director of ID Coaching Limited. www.id-coaching.co.uk
 

 

Parents of Madelaine McCann - is their marriage in trouble?

Everyone who knows me will remember that I predicted, literally within weeks of Madelaine's disappearance, that the McCann's marriage would be rocked by this and may not survive.

When the public gaze has moved on and they need to face each other with their pain they would need a lot of support and care to do this without ripping each other apart.

Now papers are beginning to talk about the fact that the McCann's marriage maybe in trouble.  Of course we cannot know this, we can only make an assumption based on what we are seeing. 

However within families that a trauma of any kind happens, it will tend to do one of two things, bring the family and the couple closer and tighter as tney protect and nurture each other or begin to drive a wedge through the family, as people asses what has happened and how it has happened and worse still who is to blame.

I fear that without the right support, the right kind of intervention, sharing of the truth they feel about each other, dealing with the anger, fear and pain, they will go the way of many other relationships in which a trauma has taken place.

Their tragedy is one that few of us can imagine, or indeed have experienced it is a new kind of trauma, because there is currently no ability for closure.  Most traumas have an end which means people can and do move on.

I have never made a judgement about whether they are innocent or guilty, or indeed implicated in any part of the situation. I have of course wondered as I am sure many people have, I just know that they will be torturing themselves in ways that I cannot even imagine and I feel for them and their pain.

There is help out there, as there is for any couple facing difficulties that may seem insurmountable, I hope they look for it and accept help for their sake but much more importantly for the two children, who still need a mummy and daddy to care for them and be there 100% after all they are also the victims of this and deserve to be helped to grow past it rather than to be labeled and constrained by it.

Children, who are mostly powerless in the adult world of their parents always need to be given and protected so they can come through this with as few scars as possible. 

Marriage meltdown and misery.

New evidence shows that many women feel trapped in a marriage they can't leave because they have no financial security.  Also it seems that many men feel trapped in loveless marriages.

So how do couples, who feel certain that their love is strong enough for a marriage to take place, slide into complacency that means they feel trapped and unable to continue in the marriage that once held so much promise.

Divorce is a very expensive business with no real winners, everyone in the divorcing cycle feels like a looser, whether it is family, friends or finances that they are being deprived of.

However everyone involved in the breakup will suffer emotions that they had never imagined and will need support and help to get to the other side.

If you are thinking of moving out of a relationship, it would be a wise move to talk to someone who will tell you the truth of what is on the road ahead.

What to expect and what you will need to deal with if things get nasty and they most likely will.  It is a sad thing that perfectly reasonable and loving people become angry, bitter and twisted when they feel out of control of a situation.

Research shows that divorce goes up by 30% over Christmas!

There are so many tensions that we experience over the Christmas period that it is often a flash point rather than a time of harmony and love. 

From spending time with relatives that we only see once a year and perhaps don't know very well or are not really very fond of.

Trying to prepare and cook food that we are unfamiliar with and have expectations that it will all go according to a plan is a disaster waiting to happen, with so many ideas about how to cook the perfect turkey there are many opportunities for something to go wrong.

That extra glass of wine to help you relax might be the thing that starts a chain of events that could be hard to recover from.

Getting 'unwanted presents', that we feel we have to say thank you for, when we may think that they are just not representative of what we would like, especially when we may have spent a lot of time and effort choosing something and feel it has not been received well.

There are many ways of choosing a gift, some people just go out with a list of the number of presents and what they are, and then decide who to give what too. Not the best way to create happiness and a well received gift.

Some people think of each individual and make a decision based on the present they want the person to have, I have had many pairs of uncomfortable underwear that has not been to my taste or is totally impossible to wear.

By far the best way of choosing presents is to think about the person you are buying for and then consider whether this is something that they would spend their own money on, if you are able to do this well then you will be a success at giving presents that are well received and enjoyed.

Our expectations of what a relationship should provide are often unrealistic, and we may muddle along during the year, but with the added pressure of Christmas it is harder to maintain our 'cool' and think with a clear head.

By reviewing your expectations and being a little more generous of spirit with yourself and your friends and family, can make the difference between a happy Christmas and New year to look forward to  rather than a time of unhappiness and stress which may lead to a future of difficulty and anger.

If more separations and divorces happen over the Christmas and New Year period don't make yours one of them.

Relationship Meltdown

With a stressful lead up to Christmas and Christmas holiday period itself - Family tensions are likely to surface  and your mood can go from good to bad in nano seconds. 

It seems unlikely your good mood will last beyond the 27th December.  For more information

New research suggests that the Christmas spirit and festive cheer is unlikely to last much beyond Boxing Day - Interesting title for a day perhaps the person who named it had some inkling of what was in store.

January is a month when a lot of people file for divorce, as family squabbles can come to a head under all the strain.

Conducted for cruise company Ocean Village, the "festive feuds'' research shows that stresses and strains of Christmas reach breaking point for men at 11am on December 27 and for women at 8pm on the same day.

Breaking point can become "breaking up point'', with January 7 cited as day most people are likely to file for divorce.

Ocean Village said the recipe for disaster was the following equation:

(D x A) + I + J + T

• D stands for drift factor, with nothing planned and tempers likely to flare
• A is the extent to which you feel you have put on an act and be diplomatic
• I is inappropriate or unwanted gifts
• J is the journey to and from relatives
• T is for time passing with another year nearly over
• S stands for shared tasks such as washing up, with the knowledge that guests are not helping much

Stress psychologist Dr Cliff Arnell said: "In the run up to and during Christmas Day everyone's excited and eager to please.

"However, once Christmas Day is out of the way there is an enormous anti-climax and a complete lack of structure to the rest of the holidays, leading to a festive fall out that really manifests itself on December 27.

"Men have shorter fuses than women so will tend to explode first then find an excuse to leave the house, leaving the women of the family feeling unsupported and neglected so that by the evening of the 27th they too have blown a gasket.'' As stated on GMTV website.

By preparing well and by paying attention to your levels of disharmony you can avoid the big bust up.  By walking away and taking time to cool down rather than let your emotions take over and therefore say and do things that you later regret.

If Christmas is to be a happy time be prepared with full knowledge that you will have to take some avoidance and  stress reduction techniques along with you wherever you go.

Make this Christmas really count and really be fun - better still avoid Christmas altogether and go away to a place where they don't celebrate it.

Conditional Love

If I had a £ for every time I heard the words, I want them to do such and such or I want them to stop doing such and such, I would be a very wealthy woman.

What I wonder makes many of us, such controlling human beings that we want people to behave in ways which we deem to be acceptable.

We want people to love others who we deem to be acceptable. And we can make ourselves very miserable wanting what we have no control over getting.

We cannot make others do things to suit us, we cannot require others to behave in ways that are about our needs and not theirs.

Yet we continue to withhold love and affection or in some cases money, if we are not given what we want, which takes no account of what the other person needs or wants.

How many families do you know who want their partners, children or even parents to do things in ways that will make them feel good.  I remember feeling embarrassed when my dad began to sing to my school friends on an outing, I was mortified and I wanted him to stop so I could feel better, and I made it very clear I was unhappy with him, looking back at his harmless activity,I realise was his way of showing me and my friends that he was happy to be a taxi service for us and wanted to be a part of our joy.

This is a very minor thing, yet when we want our friends and families and our partners to restrict who they want to be, and how they express themselves we are doing far more damage to both ourself and others.

Unconditional love means that, there are no conditions to my feelings for you, and I need to accept your behaviours and actions even when I do not agree. But mostly we hide behind the banner of thinking that it is not good for the other person.

Visitation rights of single dads with their babies!

There are many young women who have babies out of marriage, the single mum phenomena is well and truly a part of our society.

Many babies of single mothers, are the dream of the mother without really taking the father into account. The father just find themself in the middle of something they do not want to be a part of, yet they are.

Young men and women rarely take into consideration that if they have a baby with someone, even if it is a one night fling they will end up being responsible for that child for the rest of its life.  It is not a one night stand if life is created. It is a lifetime of connection.

Yet young men seem reluctant to take responsibility for their actions, they assume that the girl is on the pill, and without much thought think they can sow their wild oats without consequence.

Not so - once a baby is on the way the mother usually holds all the cards, if they know the name and address of the father. The child will be registered in the name of the father and the mother can make sure the name of the father is on the birth certificate, they will be required to claim maintainence for that child, which is a 16 year at least commitment and there will be responsibilities for taking care of that child and visitation rights.

So far well and good, if the parents are in agreement. Where it all begins to fall down is when the father is a reluctant participant in the growing up process of his child, either financial or emotional.

There is also a growing number of mothers who once pregnant , and the baby is a reality want the financial support of the father but not allow him any part of the child's life.  This can create stress for everyone concerned.

It is hard for a young mum to hand over her baby to someone who she may hardly know, who in hindsight she does not even like or care for.

Yet the law is quite clear that the father has a right to support and be a part of the child's life, no matter what the emotional response of either parent.

For further information about the legal side of this there is an organisation who will help with sorting out the difficulties both by sharing the legal issues and dealing with the emotional issues.

Contact Divorce Advice Direct for futher support and information.

The Myths of Common Law Marriages

Do you really know what it means to live with someone without any legal agreement.  If your relationship broke up what would you be able to claim form your partner?

There a lot of myths surrounding living together, while everything is going along happily there is little need to look at how you stand in the eyes of the law, however if you really want to have some level of control over your life then it is always wise to know where you stand and what a severing of the relationship would really mean to you.

To find out what security you have and whether you would be entitled to anything have a look at the following and make sure you are really prepared and ready for the way ahead.

Seven Keys to help you decide Relationship Rescue or Divorce with Dignity!

Be realistic and assess the implications of the decision you are making, it is all too easy to allow the emotions of the situation to drive through the result.  The more prepared you are the better, otherwise when the mess hits the fan you will be struggling to keep it all together.


What has been the trigger that has brought you to the point of break up?

Sometimes the trigger is a one off behaviour or attitude that has triggered the idea of separation. Assessing the history of your relationship and finding out the point at which the relationship became stale is a good starting point. All relationships can be rescued if there is willingness to do so, unless there is physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

What are the things that you and your partner fail to speak about?

Lack of communication and honesty is often the start of a relationship break up, people are too busy, to scared or simply lacking in awareness that there is a problem they need to talk about.  Being honest with yourself and your partner is vital to the success of every relationship and friendship.

What have you both tried to bring about a resolution?

Deciding on your own to separate or break up a family is never the best solution to any situation, it leaves the un informed partner feeling very angry and upset and this later causes much more conflict than is necessary.
It is key to success that you and your partner discuss the situation and see if there is any possibility of a resolution.

How will your life change if you take the road of separation?

Have you fully considered the implications? Friends and family will have to make choices, they will be dragged into something that is not of their choosing, remember that your decision willl have an impact on everyone you know or is linked to you, this is not just about you, even though you think it is.

What will be the effect on both you and your children?

Children are ALWAYS affected by divorce, it changes the way they think about themself and the way they live their life in the future.  Even the most civilised of divorces puts a mammoth strain on the children who always get to know too much about what is going on and often feel they have to support one or other of their parents.  Children do not divorce their parents they are totally powerless about how and what happens.

Will your financial situation be acceptable to everyone concerned?

If you are already living on a tight budget it will become tighter and the same pot of money has to be divided to provide for two homes. Even if there is a considerable amount of income it will definitely become an issue in any divorce settlement, are you prepared for this.

What do you imagine will be the upside of a breakup and what will be the downside?

Out there after your decision is a new world of things that can happen for you, look at this world without rose coloured spectacles.  Over there will not always be greener than over here. 

How will you deal with being alone each evening - how will you manage your children on your own - how will you manage financially when you have less money than you have now. You may be looking forward to pleasing yourself on a daily basis, however that can prove to be lonely in the long run.

You may hope to meet someone new to build a life with and if there are children then you come as a package which will only suit a small number of people.  When you meet someone new your children for a while will not always be the focus they need to be to help them

Holidays can be lonely if you are on your own - evenings and weekends when your friends have made a decision who they will keep in contact with, may not extend so many invitations - single people are not so easy to accommodate at parties and suppers. 

Your social life, will definitely change be prepared for this.

Make sure you  assess realistically the upside and the downside. Look closely at the imagined fantasy and the reality.  this will all help prepare you for what will come your way after you start the ball rolling.

If you want to talk this over contact me